We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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