I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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