between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
