I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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