My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Fuck me I smell like cheese
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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