The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
