hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
