He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I enjoy the company of your penis
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
