spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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