you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
