Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
