i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
