You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
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