Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
