I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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