I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
