his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Never joke about your clitoris.
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