Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
