Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
