did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
