This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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