She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Can you bring me the toilet please
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
