WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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