Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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