I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
