Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
