When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
