just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Randomize
