While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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