Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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