In the future we'll all be gay
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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