I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
