it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
