hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
