i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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