your parents love me but you hate me
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
