apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
