Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
