the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
