I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
