i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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