So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
