Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just found puke in my bra..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
