Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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