I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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