we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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