I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
