Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
