I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
