Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
